Here's to you, matatu driver

I've decided that recognizing a good matatu driver is like trying to recognize varying accents in a foreign language. When you first hear a new language it all sounds the same but over time you can pick out accents. The longer I am here the easier it is for me to pick out a good driver. At first they all seem like lunatics behind a wheel but now I'm beginning to see the art in it. So, I've compiled my still growing list of what makes a matatu driver worth the 25 shillings I'm paying him.

1-Regularly uses the sidewalk as a second and/or third lane
2-Completely disregards any official or unofficial rules of a roundabout
3-Can navigate through traffic with ease while hanging outside the window shouting at the guy crazy enough to even consider cutting him off
4-Can navigate through traffic with ease while hanging outside the window shouting back at the guy who is angry that he just cut them off
5-Somehow knows just where to drive through a muddy lake of water that could easily swallow the entire bus
6-Will always win in a game of chicken. Flinching isn't even in their vocabulary. Whether a bicycle or a diesel truck, the other guy is moving over.
7-They carefully, yet quickly, evade any approaching police
8-Fabulous decorating skills. The best matatus will have impressive speakers, upholstered ceiling, fringe visors and inspiring (and sometimes not so inspiring) quotes throughout the van. My favorites today: "Don't give big gifts. Give little gifts with a big heart," "Learn 2 live without. U will not B disappointed," and "There is no lift to success. You got to take the stairs."
9-Selective hearing. They will let you off when they darn well please despite your incessant knocking. (Since there are few "official" stops, you knock on the side of the van when you want to get off. It works.)
10-Keen eyesight. They can spot a potential rider before I'd spot an elephant in my kitchen.

Part of me would like to devote one of these to the directors of the matatus since they have their own set of mad skills. However, they are the ones who collect the money and often rip me off so I don't really feel like giving them any credit.